The Bald One
by The Dark Jade
Summary: Voldemort isnt the average evil person. He fails miserably as a bad guy and often gets in more trouble than he gives. Please review!
1. The Bald One

The Bald One

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything. All copyright and so forth to J.K. Rowling.

**Chapter 1**

A crackling fire was the only sound that pierced the dim lit study. The seriousness of the situation could be felt throughout the room. The lone man sitting in the chair was not to be disturbed; no-one was to enter until told so. With a flick of his wand images flashed before his red eyes. He laughed maliciously. _Entertainment these days_, he thought.

The grand doors to his private room burst open, making him spin round instantly, hissing at the disturbance. Snape walked in, his face a pale white from seeing the agitated look on his masters face.

'What?' Voldemort snapped, 'I clearly stated that there was to be not disruption, and yet you walk in here as if the kitchen is on fire! Don't you remember what I said; no-one, not even the president of Scotland is to call for me until Harry Potter is captured and laid before my feet, begging for mercy'

Snape seemed to consider his words and stopped, noticing Voldemort had diverted his attention. Laughing again, Tom Riddle wiped a tear from his eye as the opening scene on the TV sang the theme song, 'Mai-sy, Mai-sy… Maisy, Maisy Mouse!' Tom laughed again; he thought it was a great show, especially Maisy.

'You know Snape? Having eyes like mine-it's like looking through red cellophane'

'Really sir?'

'Yes', Tom shot Snape a quizzical glance, 'have you ever peered through red cellophane before?'

'No sir'

'Not nice, not nice stuff at all. It makes everything seem, well, red. Particularly when you eat peanut butter, and you know how much I like peanut butter!'

'Well yes sir. But isn't red cellophane used for tinted church windows?'

No you idiot it's not. My, my, are all my evil henchmen, excluding Bellatrix 'because she's a girl, wallies. The tinting in the windows are obviously made of sheets of paper that are turned translucent by Crumple-horned Snorkels'

'Oh, of course, I don't know how I didn't realise'

'Well, we can't all be as smart as me, can we?'

'No I guess not'

'Now go away, Maisy is more important than chit-chat!'

'Do you want me to tape Playschool for you as well?'

'No, no, I think I'm a bit old for Little Ted'

'Very well sir'

Harry Potter lay in a hospital wing, his right-hand thumb bandaged thoroughly. He cursed his pet guinea-pig for deliberately nipping it. Even though it had not drawn blood, Harry still wanted Uncle Vernon to drive him to the hospital, just in case.

A nurse walked in, a notebook in her hand. 'How is it feeling?'

'I think I'll live, but shouldn't I get a Tetanus shot?'

'Cases like this generally don't need one'

'But can't I have one anyway?'

The nurse just shook her head as if a fly were buzzing around it and walked away. Just as she left the ward a pale man was carried past on a stretcher. Harry could have sworn it was Voldemort. The doctors were analysing the damage to the front of the ugly man's face.

'What's happened to him?'

'A colleague of his with very sleek hair told us that the man's TV had blown up in his face when he had turned up the volume too loud, apparently singing to the theme song of 'Maisy the Mouse'

To Harry, it sounded very painful.

'It also doesn't help when so much plastic surgery has been done to his face, it's a wonder it didn't melt off and cause more burns'

A nurse carrying the stretcher looked closer to the victim's face, 'What's wrong with his nose? He appears to have squashed it, and how does he breathe with two puny slits for nostrils?'

The doctor answered quickly, 'I don't think we should question a freak of nature. They just happen you know?'


	2. Bee Bother

Voldemort sat on a deck chair, relaxed after fourteen months in hospital and rehabilitation. He leisurely rubbed sunscreen onto his already white back while lying next to an outdoor pool.

Across from him, on the other side of the waters edge, sat Harry Potter, still clutching his finger. Lowering his visors, Tom saw him instantly, even if he'd been lying in that position for a day now. Raising a can of soda-water to his wire-thin lips, Tom sculled half of it. He felt really cool sitting this close to his mortal enemy and about to kill him at any moment.

As he drank to the very bottom, something solid got caught in his throat. It was then that he realised that he had swallowed a bee. Screaming with pain and fright, he began to hyperventilate, causing the bee's stinger go into his throat as well. He screamed even louder. This was the worst holiday ever.

Harry got up, along with many other people, to see what all the fuss was about. Seeing Voldemort running around, clutching his throat and yelling for aid, Harry burst out laughing. On the verge of a nervous break-down, Tom rushed to the waters edge and began to swallow large amounts of pool water…

**2 weeks later…**

Voldemort lay in a hospital wing, his throat heavily bandaged and all of his head. A doctor stood at the door next to a nurse

'Isn't this the patient we had a while ago?'

'Yeah, first it was third-degree burns and now he has gone and swallowed a bee. I think his friends have gone and signed some sort of document stating an official disowner ship of the man'

'No doubt'

From that fateful day forward, Voldemort never drank soda water again. Although Coke was ok.

**Meanwhile… **Voldemortand his followers sat at a big round table.

'This is just like the Knights of the Round Table, he he, and I feel cool!' yelled Wormtail rising from his chair amid the awkward silence.

'Avarda Kedavra!' screamed Voldemort, unable to suppress his nervousness. Wormtail slid to the floor, motionless.

'Does anyone else feel like a little outburst?'

'I do' Lucius Malfoy said quietly.

'Ye fat!' said Narcissa

'I am not; I just have pancake issues'

'Yeah, what's wrong with pancakes Narcissa?' asked Greyback

'I never said there was anything wrong with pancakes!'

'But it was implied' said Draco, 'and if anyone really cares about me, they'd know I love vampires'

Wormtail jumped from beneath the table and cried 'I love flowers!'

'Die you! Avada Kedavra!' screamed Voldemort, hitting the rat-man it the stomach for the second time.

'But I can't afford my own loan' said Lucius

'Cheese is good too' said Wormtail, reappearing for the third time

'AVADA KEDAVRA!!' roared Voldemort killing the round man with more words than sorcery.

'I WANT TO KILL HARRY!' moaned the Dark Lord 'does anyone have any ideas?'

'I do' said Wormtail appearing behind the study door.

'Would you go away please? Just for five minutes!'

'That's all you had to say' and Wormtail left, 'I think I might get some cheese, or a flower, I like flowers!'


	3. Potion Planning

**Chapter 3**

**Potions Planning**

'This is plan 'M'', said Voldemort, standing around a very long, rectangular desk, laden with various instruments and scientific equipment that he knew nothing about.

'What happened to plan 'L'? I think we missed it' said Wormtail crawling out from underneath it.

'Avada Kedavra!!' yelled Voldemort and Wormtail winced and rolled down the flight of stairs leading to the kitchen. They were in Voldemort's attic, stuffed with teddy bears- affectionately called 'Care bears' by He That Must Not Be Named- that glowed in the dark, most of them all were pink.

'Now that we've got that settled. Who would like some fruitcake?' Tom asked to the ten or so Death Eaters around him.

'Oh! Oh! Me! Me!' cried both Lucius and Draco Malfoy at the same time.

'He he…NO! I don't have any with me you fools. Do you think that an evil dark lord like me carries SPARE CAKE! Honestly, don't you trust me...wait, don't answer that'

Suddenly Tom felt his jacket move. He looked down to find a hand retreating from his pocket and disappear under his chair. Leaning to his side, Voldemort peered under the chair. There sat Wormtail his hands full of fruitcakes stolen from his pockets. The little man looked up, making crumbs fall from his mouth and shirt.

'I'm sorry my lord. I didn't know they were yours!' he wailed

'Well whose bloody hell did you think were! They only came from _my_ pockets you stupid BAFFOON!! And GET OUT FROM UNDER MY CHAIR!! This isn't your dream house! It's the underside of my favourite stool!

'I'm sorry master, I think I was sleep walking'

'SLEEP WALKING! You're supposed to be dead! I've Kevaded-you about five times now and here I find you stealing my fruitcake and eating them under my chair! Now correct me if I'm wrong ladies, but minions aren't supposed to do these things, are they?'

'You said you didn't have any fruitcake!' said Draco, 'he's been lying!'

'Yeah! You must _share_ your fruitcake and present it humbly for everyone to enjoy in. We all like a bit of fruitcake every-now-and-again' said Greyback calmly

'You're a fruitcake' said Narcissa

'What's that supposed to mean Huh?' asked Greyback leaping across the table and attempting to kill Narcissa, knocking her off her chair.

'STACKS ON!!' said Lucius, jumping across the table and landing on them both. Soon all ten of the Death Eaters were jumping on top of one another in a massive heap, forming a pyramid of human bodies, squealing in delight.

Voldemort sat there, shaking his head in shame, hoping that Harry Potter was not there watching the scene of boobies jumping on top of each other. At that Voldemort began again to think of how he could kill the pest, along with Wormtail who never seemed to die.

He looked at the bubbling cauldrons and numerous flasks and vials filled with very dangerous liquids in front of him. Voldemort had stolen them out of a muggle magic set called 'How to brew wicked potions with The Wicked Witch of the West' and 'Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz'.

Voldemort believed they held especially hideous and powerful spells. Thinking hard he thought of a simply ingenious plan 'I know! I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box in a box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives, AHA! AHA! AHA! I'll smash it with a hammer!'

**Sorry 'The Emperor's New Groove'**

And then an extremely daunting thought came to him.

'But…it could cost postage too, so…that plan might not work. Oh well, I tried!

Voldemort resumed watching his playful idiots tackle each other.

'But wait! I have another plan! I could tell him he has a special delivery of pizza and say that he must come to 101 Voldemort St to receive it. Not too suspicious and not too risky. It's fool proof!'

_Bring! Bring!_ Harry answered the phone. _At 1 o'clock in the morning who could be calling now?_ 'Hello?' he asked.

''Ello? 'hooo is it?' the person seemed to be speaking French.

'Who are _you_? You called me'

'I am General Riddle Tim from ze train station in Canada'

'What do you want?'

'Did you make an order for pizza?'

'No!'

'Oh well. You have one anyway and it's waiting for you at my place'

'Where is your place?'

'I am Volde- sorry, it's at Worm- no! it's at 101 Voldemort St. Just look for the sign that says 'No Harry's allowed on premises! Evil plots underway!'

'Ok…NO WAIT! Is this…'

Tom held his breathe. He didn't want Harry to know.

'… a gotcha call?'

'No you idiot! It's Lord Voldemort…' yelled Tom and then suddenly he realised.

'What did you say!'

'Oh bugger! I've been caught!' said Tom hanging up the phone as quickly as possible.

'DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!' screamed Voldemort at home, stamping his feet.

From her spy place in a bush, Bellatrix sat watching Lord Voldemort in his home with binoculars. She often liked staring at his wonderful eyes, his perfect figure and ravishing teeth. But for the last couple of minutes he appeared to be trying to squish ants on his floor.

_Bullies_! _Picking on my Tommy!_ She thought

Just at that second Voldemort kicked the floor extremely hard. The entire house gave way and crashed to the ground sending wood frames everywhere. Voldemort screamed with fear as he plummeted through the floor and landed in a cloud of dust on the ground. He looked up just in time to see the second story fall on top of him. He covered his head.

From the bush Bellatrix heard screams and wails of Tom Riddle and saw his entire house collapse on itself.

'Hmmm, it looks like he's redecorating his room' said Bellatrix 'actually…I think he's made it worse. It's all wobbly and looks unstable. Next time I'll remember to give him pointers on home renovation, his style just isn't working'

**Please REVIEW. Anything would be good. Pointers (ironic), tips, plots, anything is would be fine.**


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